It had been years since I saw him. He looked exactly the same carried himself the same his movements as he walked toward me were the same as the sixteen year old boy that tormented me through out high school. As soon as I noticed him out the corner of my eye in the darkened bar with the music blaring I knew who he was. At first I didn’t think he would recognize me because I wasn’t that dorky girl with the red glasses any longer. I left her way behind at the end of my junior of high school when my father moved my family to an even smaller town giving me opportunities that I never had in the larger school.
Then he did a double take whispering something to the waitress. The waitress turned her head nodding as he spoke into her ear. I started to return to the group of friends I was out with when he pointed me out to the waitress. The waitress smiled at him the glanced my way before moving to another table to take their order. He stood up from the table that he was sitting at with the group of guys he was with.
Instead of continuing back to my group of friends my feet wouldn’t move when his eyes met mine. He had recognized me and he was moving toward me that cocky crooked grin of his appearing on his lips.
It no longer mattered that I had moved away from my home town and had only returned the year previously. It no longer mattered that I had gone to college and discovered that as long as I was comfortable with who I was people liked me too. It no longer mattered that I had discovered I had talents and skills. All that slipped away like it never existed.
The geeky girl in the red glasses that I thought I had left behind almost eight years ago suddenly returned petrified and helpless to defend herself from the onslaught of insults that were hurled at her in the halls of her high school.
I was rushing through the halls of the high school with my head slightly downward avoiding eye contact praying that today I wouldn’t hear them calling my fat pig or making mooing sounds as I tried to just make it to my history class. Then he would appear with his friends their laughter sent cold chills down my spine. I would pretend I didn’t see them or hear them I would’t acknowledge ducking into my classroom.
So because of him I learned how to disappear in the crowd. I learned the patterns that the mean kids had. Their classes and what time they hung out and where they hung out. I learned how to avoid all of them and to disappear into the crowds. By the time my family had decided to move away my junior year hiding had become my existence so much so that I was failing every class I had. I planned everything around avoiding these tormentors. Moving out of town was the best thing that every happened to me. I went from a school of 800 to school of just 45 kids. I had eight students in my senior class besides me. I was so use to hiding that I tried to do it this small school too except the teachers noticed. It is hard to hide in school that size. I got involved in kinds of activities that I never dreamed of doing in the bigger school, tennis, drama, basketball, senior projects.
The geeky girl with the red glasses had disappeared just like she used to do in the halls of the bigger high school. She vanished leaving behind this young woman who was comfortable with who she was becoming. The comfortable young woman left the small town and went to college. A twist of fate brought her back to her home town due to family matters.
I was working in healthcare when a group of my friends from work planned this big outing a local club. I was having a really good time when I spotted him. I had been back in town for over a year and never saw anyone that I went to high school with.
I wanted to disappear but there wasn’t anywhere to hide. I had managed to end up standing to close the bar when my friends decided to get a table leaving unable to avoid him. They had moved away from me when I spotted him. I was standing alone in the middle of this loud crowd. I could no longer hear the music or the people talking loudly. All I could focus on was this man I once knew as the boy who made high school absolute hell for me was coming toward me.
Before I knew it he stood in front of me and then he stepped closer toward me. I could feel all the sweat in body starting to pool in my hands. I wanted to just vanish from sight like I was a figment of his imagination. My heart was pounding I was expecting him to crack off some awful comment about my weight like he had thousands of time in high school.
It seemed like an eternity before he spoke. “Do you remember me?” He asked his voice just below a shout as though suddenly the bar was full of pounding music except the music had been playing the whole time and I just now heard it.
I wanted to laugh for some reason and tell him how I couldn’t ever forget him although I tired numerous times. I still heard his voice every time I looked in the mirror. So instead of tell him what an ass he had been when we teenagers all I could manage to say was. “Yeah I do.” And then I told him what his full name was. So many times I had imagined this moment one day getting to confront him and tell him off.
He bit his lip and stepped closer toward me his voice was softer and there was something as he spoke. “I remember you too.”
My voice as screaming in my head to say something to tell him what he had done to me how his words affect me and still effected me. How I learned to hide from people and how in hiding I missed out on so much. But before I could say anything he took a deep breath. “I came over here to tell you that I was an asshole in high school and I was mean to you. I am sorry for all those things I said to you. I was a jerk.” He stuck out his hand toward me I was reluctant to take his hand in mine in a hand shake. I was expecting it to be some joke followed up by making me look foolish. He kept his hand out in front of him waiting for me to take it in mine. “I am very sorry” He said again and what I heard in his voice was remorse.
As I reached my hand toward his the geeky girl with the red glasses vanished in that moment. I took his hand in mine returning his gesture. “It is over now” Was all the words I could manage to say. The waitress appeared beside us with two drinks on her tray. He handed one to me and took the other thanking the waitress by name. He hand asked her to bring me a drink when he pointed me out in the crowd before he came toward me. We chit chatted for few minutes before he returned to his group of friends and I returned to mine. I never did see him again after that.
Although I did manage to forgive him in that moment I still have a hard time breaking the habit I developed so long ago in high school. My first instinct when I am in new situations or a large group of people is to disappear I have to make a conscious effort not to hide. It took a lot for him to cross through those years and tell me he was sorry.
When I am uncomfortable with how I look I try to think about the man who crossed the bar to tell the geeky girl in the red glasses that mean boy he once was is sorry.
Monday, March 12, 2007
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